PROJECT 486: A Patient’s Reflection on Her Medical Abortion Procedure (Abortion Pills: Mifepristone and Misoprostol or Cytotec, Philippines)

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Hello. I finally finished writing my story almost a week after the abortion. Yes, it took me a week to write and rewrite and I don't know why I found it difficult to sum up my experience in a simple narrative. Ang hirap pala magsulat. Maybe because the "experience" is not as simple as I wanted to believe.

I would like to start with how I knew I was pregnant (though I know you already know the common symptoms). I missed a period but I was not that worried at first because I occasionally get irregular cycles. However, I noticed how irritable I was with almost anything! Kahit sa tunog lang ng ringtone ng ibang tao. I was also so emotional that I would cry after watching video clips about puppies or even after reading a random story in Facebook. Pizza no longer excites me. I could not even imagine myself eating pizza again. I felt bloated, ugly, and was always tired. I remember taking 2-hour naps every afternoon at work. After realizing what's going on with my body, I asked my partner to buy a pregnancy test kit. Unconsciously, I was already expecting two red lines but when it happened, I swear my face lost its color. To say that I was in shock is an understatement. My partner hugged me but he was silent. I went to work and we did not talk about it until the next day.

We both love children. My partner is actually fond of babies and all babies we know seem to like him very much. Does he want to keep the baby? Yes. He was willing to be a father. Did I want to keep the baby? No. Don't get me wrong. I love the life that slowly grows inside me. It was almost like magic. But I couldn't believe it happened to me. We were very careful. It was not the right time. My partner and I are both incapable of raising a child. We realized we can not give it a proper home, we can not even guarantee that we can provide for our baby because we can not even pay rent regularly. We are trying to make ends meet every month. We both have school tuition fees to pay. We had to make a choice. To give the baby the chance to live, yes to live but in poverty and distress, was just not the best decision at the time. I know once the baby was out, I will love my baby so much I could not bear to give him or her a life full of suffering.

So I started researching about herbal abortion. It was about parsley and vitamin c and Dong Quai for almost three weeks, it didn't work. I tried to keep calm though inside I was screaming in fear. I understand I do not have much time. I needed help.

I talked with "Sis" (I do not want to disclose her identity) and she emailed me very useful advice. Part of the email suggests that I consider Plan B - medical abortion. I have actually contacted sellers of "pills" and inquired about their prices but I didn't have the confidence to transact. Number one, I was scared. Baka counterfeit. Baka kung anong ipadala sakin. Baka maling gamot. Baka hindi mag work. Baka mamatay ako. Number two, wala akong pera at that time. I had to borrow money and it took me about a week before I had the amount needed.

Sis recommended to contact Project486. I don't know exactly who these people are but they are willing to assist any woman going through my situation. We communicated through email. They asked me to do a TransV ultrasound. I went to an OBgyne who I have to mention, is one of the most caring doctors I met. She was sincere and she wanted me to be strong and healthy for the baby. Then I knew I was in my 8th week. The sac was a little low and that was not a good sign according to my doctor. She told me I had to really take good care of myself or else I will lose it. I couldn't tell her that that was exactly what I wanted to do.

Project 486 offers free phone consultation to make sure they exactly know my condition and it made me more confident about the procedure. They asked several questions especially about my family's health history. They encouraged me to ask questions to clarify anything about the procedure. They sent me notes. Step by step. After processing the payment for the pills, I received them the next day. It's a wonder how I got the pills from them in the same price as elsewhere. Yung project 486 araw2x akong kinocontact. They are concerned about my health. They are sincere in their goal to help women in countries where abortion is considered illegal. They never wanted profit. These are real people who only wanted to help.

We discussed about women who risk their lives by trying to undergo abortion without clear knowledge on the procedure. They take the pills, and wait. No orientation about what to do before, during and after. I do not want to be like them. I want to be fully informed. I always have the fear of the unknown, and I never want to be in a situation I know nothing about. I want to be prepared. So I read all the notes. I researched. I read the notes again. I researched.

I planned every detail of my "vacation." I had to take time off from work so I can proceed. My partner and I decided it will be best to do it somewhere far from home, somewhere else. We flew to another city. We booked a cheap but clean room for a week. I have to acknowledge his courage, his faithfulness, the amount of love he has, to be able to support me in my decision. He studied the procedure as well. He was aware that my life is partly in his hands. If I had a choice, I would not burden him with going through the procedure first hand. What I would do instead is, take the pills on my own, say goodbye to being pregnant, and go back to my lover's arms without him knowing what exactly happened. But going through the process without anyone else around is not a good idea.

It was my 12th week. We followed each step, for each day. I tell you, the cramps were terrible. But to ease the pain, all it takes was applying hot compress. My partner was by my side, comforting me and preparing the hot bottle every now and then. Project 486 monitored me and communicated almost every two hours. I really felt that I have so much support system around me. I was prepared, I was well taken care of, I was not alone.

The procedure was a success. They warned me I may feel all kinds of emotions all at once. It's true. I felt relief, guilt, anger, joy and fear in a minute.

It was an experience I certainly do not want to happen again but also a decision I would not regret. I knew I have to take hold of my future. I respect people who are pro-life, but I am glad I am pro-choice. I love my baby but my life is a mess and I don't want to drag the innocent child into this mess. I learned a huge lesson after all I went through and the word RESPONSIBILITY has so much sense to me now.

I am extremely thankful to sis, project486, and all the people who directly or indirecly became part of my journey. I consider this as my second life now, a new opportunity to compose myself and start preparing for my future. Ituturing ko po itong napakalaking utang na loob na mababayaran lamang sa pamamagitan ng pag ayos ko sa buhay ko. Salamat.

-Dianne 

PS

We decided to bury our child and planted something to symbolize his or her innocence and purity.

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PROJECT 486: A Patient’s Reflection on Her Medical Abortion Procedure (Abortion Pills: Mifepristone and Misoprostol or Cytotec, Philippines) 

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